I’ve been considerably boring lately. In the physical world and in the virtual world. I’m employed (again), school sucks, and you haven’t heard from me for a whole week. So yeah… I owe you. BIG TIME. Soooo much that I’m devoting TWO days to my special, special readers (yeah, you’re special). The only catch is that I’m not telling you which day you will receive your second treat so you’ll have to stay tuned in to my misadventures until that day comes. But for now, I shall entertain you.
Today’s theme is… TRASH TALK TUESDAY!!!
I haven’t found myself at the brunt of much mockery in my lifetime, thankfully, so I haven’t needed to pull out these nuggets of trash talk gold just yet. I’m sharing them with you because if you ever find yourself speechless in a battle of insults, I want you to be armed with the goods. Just know that I will never go into “yo mama” jokes because those are classless.
Sometimes you just need to let out some anger and, in a Tourette-like fashion, spew a number of hateful words describing the subject of your anger. Some names you can use are:
“Douche nozz.” Short for “douche nozzle,” which can also be used. It’s kind of like a retro term because no one has probably said this since 2006. You’ll definitely be throwing your opponent off-guard with this one.
“Butt chug.” I just called my cat this the other day. I have no clue if this is an actual thing. It actually sounds like a verb… whatever. But it makes the point that you can always make shit up on the spot! It could go well and it could go horribly wrong. Urban Dictionary says that it is similar to doing a beer bong except the beer is consumed through… your butt. GROSS.
“Hoser.” Oh, the classic Canadian insult. Just so all you foreigners out there know, WE DON’T ACTUALLY SAY THIS (at least no one I know does). So why not add it to your trash talk repertoire to add a little confusion? You use this and your opponent will think, “I’m dealing with a simple, sweet Canadian whose worst insult is ‘Hoser.’ This will be easy.” That will NOT be the case if you follow up with some of these more complex comebacks…
You’re upping your game to the complex shit now…
“I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.” Wishing an uncontrolled pants-soiling upon someone is quite mean and therefore perfect in a throwdown. The only thing that could be worse is actually making someone shit their pants in a socially devastating situation (slip them some laxatives). BUT YOU DIDN’T GET THAT IDEA FROM ME!
“Get bent!” I spent a lot of my teenage years watching That 70’s Show. It is a true classic. On this show, I’m very certain that the characters told each other to, “get bent” at least fourteen thousand times. At least.
“Get off my real estate!” This is something that I’m fairly certain my friend and I made up. When we were in soccer, we had a kick ass team but my friend and I, trusty defense-girls, weren’t necessarily the shining stars. Still, we wanted to contribute to our champion team, so every time an opponent came running into defense territory, we would scream this at them. I don’t know how we got so official with the “real estate” but we definitely intimidated many a player. Also, the accidental shin-kicking I delivered didn’t hurt… Well, it didn’t hurt me.
“Colonel Mustard called. He said, ‘get a clue.'” This is also from That 70’s Show. Why? Just because. You want to make someone feel like a total dumbass? Say this to them. Plus you’d be referencing one of the greatest board games ever. You just got served. In the study. With the rope. By my sexy ass. WHAT WHAT?
“Where did you get your clothes from… the toilet store?” Insulting someone’s appearance… BEST WAY TO GO. Mean. But most effective. Also, the toilet store is just classic. (Thank you Anchorman).
Just so you know, you don’t actually want to take trash-talk advice from me. So I stole basically 95% of these tidbits from movies and TV shows. Sue me. Whatever.
Just kidding, I love you.
Tuesdays suck… until now!