You know what? You don’t know me well enough. I mean, you’ve seen my double chin, but you don’t KNOW my double chin.
Today’s theme is… TRUE STORY TUESDAY!!!!!!
1. Small towns. I come from one. And I have pet peeves about them. But more, I have peeves concerning the etiquette in which people discuss small towns.
a) DO NOT SAY YOU COME FROM A SMALL TOWN if your home is larger than 5000 people. That is not small. Small towns are when you know everyone, say hi to everyone, have one school (or no school), and have a main street because it’s the only street with amenities. Small towns can, however, have Chinese restaurants. For real. My town is more or less 900 people (it’s actually a village) and we have 2 Chinese restaurants. And they’re both good. But seriously, when I hear people say, “I’m from a small town.” Then I ask, “Where?” and they say, “Oh just Camrose.” And I’m like, “Yeah, screw you.” FYI Camrose has 17000 people and a Walmart. If you have a Walmart, you are from not a small town.
b) DO NOT SAY THAT YOU KNOW WHERE MY SMALL TOWN IS. Trust me, no one knows where it is except the people that live in it or other small towns near it (of which there are many). I won’t hate you or be insulted or think you’re dumb if you don’t know where it is. It’s not a big deal. Regardless, I have met people and had conversations with them that go like this:
People: “Where are you from?”
Me: “A small town that you’ve never heard of.”
People: “What’s it called?”
Me: “Have you heard of Camrose?”
Me: “Well it’s an hour SE of Camrose.”
People: “Oh, I might have heard of that place.”
Me: “It’s called Fairyland.” (No, I’m not actually from a place called Fairyland.)
People: “Oh yeah, I know where that is.”
Me [in my head]: “Yeah. SUUUUUURE.”
In summary, People know Fairyland (a small, 900 people village) but they don’t know Camrose. NOT PLAUSIBLE.
Please don’t try to pretend you know where I live. Unless you say, “Hey yeah, I know Captain Fairy” and I’ll be like, “Oh yeah, he’s my bff.” Because I know everyone.
2. The Ringworm/Tapeworm Debacle. So there have been times in my life when I have contracted ringworm. It’s not an actual worm – it is a fungal infection – but it is a ring. It is really contagious if you touch it. It’s gross that I have had it more than once. But I promise I am not gross and do not know why I keep getting it in the same spot on my neck. Maybe because I am sweaty.
Tapeworm, on the other hand, is a worm. And it eats your insides, if you let it grow big enough. They’re pretty bad for you but you can lose weight if they’re inside of you, which some people like.
Like me, for instance. I was a chubby kid. I looked like this:
I was probably like 13, that age when you begin to become completely uncomfortable with the way you look and feel and act, when I got ringworm. When we left the doctors, I was so stoked. I remember asking my mom hopefully, “DOES THIS MEAN I’M GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT?” And she was like, “Um Brandi that’s tapeworm.”
And that’s the story of my ringworm/tapeworm debacle.
For the record, I don’t like any kind of worms.
3. Patty Cakes. So there’s this cute IT guy who works for the same company as me. I don’t know his name because he’s not on my floor and I don’t visit other floors but he comes to my floor all the time assisting people with their IT needs. I keep telling my friends about him but it gets boring to text/email “cute IT guy” all the time so I decided to name him. I know that he already has a name but I don’t know it and probably never will. So I chose Patrick. I thought Patrick was a nice name for a cute guy. Also, notice that I call him a cute guy. I never go for hot guys. When I say hot guys, I mean Channing Tatum, chiseled everything, six billion pack, and smells like A MAN. I like hot guys, no I love hot guys. But I know that someone who openly shares her double-chinnedness on the internet is just not destined to acquire a hot guy. I may have acquired one hot guy in my lifetime. Actually, now that I think about it, my double-chinnedness has acquired some not-so-bad looking guys. Some bad, greasy, even. But some very good. Anyway, cute is more my type. When I say cute guys, I mean Joseph Gordon-Levitt, borderline hipster style, chill, slightly nerdy, quirky factoid, sweet guys.
Anyway, back to my cute guy. He’s adorable. And I talk about him with my friends. [Also, I realise this makes me sound like a huge stalker but whatever.] So I told my one friend that I was changing his name to Patrick instead of “cute IT guy” but she took it one step further and said, “It feels right to be calling him Patty Cakes.” So Patrick was instantly abandoned and now I refer to him as Patty Cakes.
Tuesdays suck… until now!