Today is New Year’s Eve… you can’t get more themey than that!
First of all, HAPPY NEW YEARS (and Happy Holidays, sorry I forgot about that) to all you folks who nearly made it 2014. Give yourself a pat on the back, or a beer, or champagne, or a shit load of junk food (my personal fave).
Second of all, I’m not going to be super cliche and say that my New Year’s Resolution is to be healthier and happier and blah, blah, fuckity blah even though it should be.
I’m actually going to say that my New Year’s Resolution (should be to not have one because who can avoid chips) is to not die. And it applies for today. Because today I am making a road trip, in my standard car, to a city, in winter. Now you may think, “Brandi, people drive in winter all the time.” And I may say, “Yeah, but I fucking don’t.” Driving gives me the worst kind of anxiety. It’s okay when you’re going straight and there is maybe one other person on the road just to give you comfort that if you slip and do forty flips in your car, they may see you and report your death to the local authorities. But other than that, DRIVING IS NOT FUN. I am scared of other vehicles, I am scared of stop signs, I am scared of traffic lights, I am scared of pedestrians, I am scared of cops, I am scared of myself in any driving situation. As you can tell, I’m just really waiting for apparition (teleportation for all of you non-Harry Potter crazies) to be a thing. Or for me to be rich and have a chauffeur so I can be stress-free in the back of a town car with a vodka coke always in hand (because apparently when I’m rich I will always be drunk… maybe that’s how I will become rich… hmmm, taking notes from celebrities now).
So yeah, BEAT THAT NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION! And if I do happen to not die and have an amazing New Year’s trip, my New Year’s Resolution will be a little more brave, a little more bad ass, and take more scary road trips to big cities and attempt to be more like Amanda Bynes pre-rehab so that I can be drunk (or drugged) in public and famous all of the time. I think people really need to step out of their shell when they’re making their resolutions. Do not try to be happy and healthy, you should try to do that shit erryday. Or you should at least make fun of the people that try, like I do because I am a cynic.