As you may know, I am living at home. With my pops. If you know him, you know he’s quite the character. If you know me, you know I’m basically the same person. Nah, that’s not true. We have some differences.
My dad is one of those dads… well, basically, he’s a dad. He’s a smart guy and was probably kind of cool back in the day but like, he’s so old. He says such old man things. Below are examples of some imaginary conversations between my dad and I to give you an idea of these “old man things” he says.
My dad works shift work so sometimes he works weekends or nights. When he gets off shift, we talk about what I do when he’s at work:
D: What did you do last night/all day?
B: Read books.
D: You mean you were on the couch all last night/all day?
B: Yezzir [note that I say it this way because I am a straight up gangsta]
D: When I was a kid [insert ramblings of his childhood on a farm with a bajillion brothers and sisters and how they always worked and probably didn’t have enough seating for people to be lounging on couches reading books all day here]
B: (not so aside) Your childhood sucks.
When he wants me to do stuff (this is all in yelling voices because we are never on the same floor of the house and we are always moody):
D: DO YOU WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE?
D: CAN YOU SCOOP OUT THE LITTER BOX? THIS SHIT STINKS.
D: WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE OUT FOR SUPPER TOMORROW?
B: UGH, I DON’T CARE. STOP BOTHERING ME. MY LIFE IS HORRIBLE.
When the phone rings and it’s our best friends “Nevada” or “California:”
D AND B: DON’T ANSWER IT! DON’T ANSWER IT! DON’T ANSWER IT!
When we’re eating and watching Jeopardy at the same time:
D: You should have known that one.
B: I did.
D: Why didn’t you say the answer?
B: Because I was stuffing my face.
When I’m watching TV and he tries to strike a conversation:
D: blah blah blah
B: Dad, shut up. I’m trying to watch The Mindy Project.
D: Oh sorry, I just wanted to talk to you about … (goes on forever)
B: Pops, are you kidding me?
D: Can’t you pause this? I paid money for this state of the art pausing TV shit. (PVR is state of the art, apparently)
B: *Bitch glance*
D: Okay, I’ll talk to you later.
Dad goes downstairs. We leave each other alone for a while. Then I go down to see what he wanted to talk about.
B: Your TV is loud.
D: No, your TV is loud.
B: I’m not watching TV. WHAT DID YOU WANT?
D: Brandi, can’t you see I’m watching TV?
When we’re doing laundry:
D: I must snore when I sleep because there’s always drool on my pillow.
If you have ever been in my house between the hours of 12:00pm-4:00pm and nighttime or daytime (basically any time when my dad is napping or sleeping), you know that MY DAD IS THE BIGGEST SNORER OF ALL TIME.
When I buy something that is $10:
B: I bought a CD today.
D: Why are you spending your money?!
When he buys something useless that is way more than $10:
B: Why did you buy that?
D: Because I felt like it.
B: *face palm*
When we’re on the phone with each other:
D: So today I did this … and this… and this… (very mundane things like what groceries he bought and where in the house he put them…).
B: (in my head) I am going to be just like this one day. FML.