Physicals are weird. I had my first one a few months back.
Yeah, yeah, sue me for waiting so long to get one. It’s not my fault I had a late sexual peak and a languid hesitation towards making doctor’s appointments.
Anyway, I know physicals are all important and I will definitely continue to be checked out and stuff… But why isn’t anybody talking about how, um, interesting they are? Like I am fond of the awkward but this shit was still beyond pooping in a public bathroom-level awkward.
Awkwardness Observation #1
You give me like 8 minutes to take my clothes off. Who the fuck takes that long to unhook your bra and drop your pants and panties? How many layers do you think I have on? What do you think I have going on under there, doc? A whole new hotter body? A fresh new vagina? A six pack? Of beer? A sewing machine?
So what do you think I’m going to do with the remaining 7 minutes and 20 seconds? I sat down on the doctor’s bed. Then I got up. Then I sat down again. Then I perfected my posture. Then I practiced my good toes and my naughty toes. Then I did some weird sexy poses. Then I laughed at myself. Then I wondered if I had to notify the doctor when I was ready. Then I contemplated taking a nap. Then I looked at the Anne Geddes photo of babies butts near a bucket. Then I wondered what those babies were up to. Then I wondered if the photograph babies were magical like in Harry Potter and if they were secretly going to creep on my physical appointment. Then I decided to never trust an Anne Geddes photo ever again. Then a lady knocked on the door (finally).
Awkwardness Observation #2
I don’t know about you guys but I have always wondered about my vagina. About how it looks. I’ve never wondered about it enough to sit in front of a mirror and actually find out myself, but I have wondered about it enough to project my self-confidence and put it on an imaginary scale of celebrity vaginas. Like does my vagina even stand a chance against J-Lo’s? I know my butt sure does. If I have all of these feelings about my vagina’s looks, what is the doctor thinking? Is she thinking my vagina is J-Lo level? Is she thinking it’s the perfect place to store your herbal supply (a la Broad City’s Pussy Weed episode – check that show if you haven’t already, btw)? As I’m lying down on the doctor’s bed, which is in the most awkward position against the wall, with my vagina out in the open, I really want to discuss this. I may not have the best situation going on down there but I’d love to hear her professional opinion.
Awkwardness Observation #3
I like to crack jokes. I am a joke-cracker. Especially in uncomfortable situations. I, like Chandler Bing, tell jokes when I’m uncomfortable. I guess physicals aren’t the place to crack jokes. The doctor made me lift my armpit to check my lymph nodes for lumps and I cracked a joke about armpit hair. She felt my stomach (which also makes me feel like there’s a baby inside of me, by the way) and I made a joke about how I shouldn’t have had lunch 30 minutes ago. The doctor had laughed but I knew they were sympathy laughs. I knew she just wanted me to shut up so she could stick shit up me. Which brings me to …
Awkwardness Observation #4
WTF are you doing to me? This doctor was nice. She thought I would love to hear exactly what she was doing down there because it was my first time (how romantic). She explained that she was sticking the small speculum inside of me because it was my first time (again, how courteous). At first it’s not so bad, but then I hear “click click click” and part of me wants to go full on “OH HELL NAAAH” on this bitch. But I don’t because she is a medical professional and she can apparently click click click whatever the fuck she wants on me.
Awkwardness Observation #5
“I was mildly felt up and had something shoved inside of me.” No, this is not sex. This is your physical. Welcome to your womanhood, where someone can feel you up, not look you in the eye, and then just leave you, possibly forever, while they don’t even give you a bit of feedback. I’m still not talking about sex.
So that’s it. Just so you know, I’m not traumatized or upset with my physical at all. It was just awkward, which it is totally allowed to be. I am sure that, over time, I will get used to it. It’s like pooping in a public bathroom. You do it only when you have to, and it’s super awkward your first time. But after realizing that everyone does it, it’s not so bad.